(She did have a habit of blaming others for anything negative that happened & never taking responsibility for it, an example of how ridiculous this got was blaming the credit card for the bankruptcy she incurred.) She has broken this contract, and as you said, niceness can only be stretched so far. I dont think that was the intention, but it looked that way. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. Those highs and lows can lead to a mild form of psychological addiction even in those who did not have addictive natures before their relationship. So fed up of people like you demonising us when you havent got a clue. In order for individuals like Laura, who suffer from symptoms of BPD, to enjoy optimal sexual intimacy and greater stability, she will have to learn to tolerate being alone. Overview Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. How do you go about talking to a family member who is married to a BPD woman who is physically abusive and he wants out, but scared to leave for fear of what she will do him, herself or his family. In exchange for porn style sex,I believe she felt entitled and that any man would be lucky to have her because she is very beautiful and a pro with sex ..she never helped financially lamenting during our final year at having to contribute to my mortgage which she initially did freely without me asking (we moved into my new home and placed hers for rent) she never shared her rental income and used the accumulated rent to refurbish her home just prior to breakupshe rarely contributed to housework which was my biggest complaint and frequent topic of discussionI think I got used for financial and emotional security as she wanted me to sell my home to buy a cheaper one so we would have more $$ but she didnt want to sell hers to contribute.. We both worked and earned equal income granted she had 2 children to support and thats why I didnt ask for financial contribution but with her rental income it would not have inconvenienced her to contribute to some of the bills..all she did was buy food once a fortnight when kids over and God help me if I touched as much as a biscuit its the kids food she would say sadly she wasnt so selfish and uncaring during our first year or so then she just turned and I have no idea why.. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? In fact it was her who said it. I am at the point where I feel nothing about me matters except being a father. The fact, her emotional self -absorption meant she blocked out my two weeks of wonderful (her words ; ) effort to help her over her own illness the month before was just BPD life! This is because individuals with BPD tend to suffer painful feelings of. The average man is somewhere between these two extremes of total trust of ones fellow man and complete distrust. He cheated on her and actually was physically abusive with her yet she stayed in the relationship. It is like she forgets she agreed this is not a wise move, but then it always comes back. A woman with borderline personality disorder shares what it's like to fall in love for her. Its safe to say her mother isnt stable either. I often wonder if she thinks there is something wrong with me because I put up with her. The first string was the heading sociopath followed by narcs and bpd, Thanks again jonanna fine service your giving those of us who need it most, Btw generally how long should it take for the rumination a and self blame to stop. Everything seemed sweet. can guys have borderline personalities, sure, but i think studies show this is much more common in women, maybe you should ask someone neutral who knows you both well and let them tell you what they think each of your flaws are. I dont know what to do for the best. I would recommend you go forward with your plan exactly as you stated it. She has a 12 year old son. When my wife tells that she loves with every ounce of her being, she is speaking with total truth from her heart. Its certainly led to the eldest having low esteem and confidence despite him being academically very bright and a very thoughtful boy. I know you dont know my situation in its entirety but an expert opinion would be very welcomed. The Nicola Method Workbook for Partners of High Conflict Women has been written to allow partners of women with traits of BPD to reverse these negative behaviors. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. We might say that she is using her partner because she is aware that she is pushing and pulling. I have a lawyer and am going forward on a separation as a first step. Thank you for your well written informative posts on Understanding women with traits of BPD. Every item that you said, It looked like X about was accurate. She is a self described loaner who up until about a year ago didnt really have friends (she has one now). Thank you. Went from hero to zero in a flash. Well guess what people can improve whether people blame or shun them or not. So any inequity in the intensity of feelings can cause them to feel betrayed. I would ask her a question in the most calm, nonjudgmental way possible and she would still feel threatened by it as if I was attacking her or analyzing her by becoming defensive and projecting back on me. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. thanks again, But when my wife yells, slaps, hits in the middle of the night from hell that she hates me and I am the worst person in the world, I also now understand that she is also speaking from her heart at that moment to. This was my main concern when marrying her. I am a nice person, that couldnt figure out how I was attracted to this type of person, but really they attach on to me, with high impact initial relationship giving that soon fade into a roller coaster that was set to drive me insane. The self-loathing was not consistent. We often argued about things like once i bought wrong shopping and she would shout and scream at me for really irrational things when I came home 30min later then planed for a diner whilst coming home from work etc. She has now been home for 2 months. I thought this was a very negative article about the borderliners in question. There was so much drama. Most are completely unaware and lack the insight about it, if they did they wouldnt have the problem or you couldnt really call the borderline. If youre relatively normal enough : ) imagine your stronger emotions always dialled- up x 5!! Women are more likely than men to have BPD. In future posts, additional tools will be described and illustrated to further increase your ability to understand the emotions of people you care about and craft responses that are both effective and loving. There is no way to tell whether she has BPD, but she certainly demonstrated the behaviors associated with it. Update time : I knew mine was a BPD waif (covert not raging / silent treatment and headgames as standard) but I was in dating mode (so all was under control). Women are more discerning when choosing a partner, likely because an unreliable partner would have adverse outcomes for her and her child. I took care of all her needs, supported her as best as I could, fell in love and in the end was left devalued, hurt, and with no understanding of what really happened. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? That post is the best analysis I have read anywhere on BPD. I am suffering from some libido issues etc, she sort of forced me to see my doctor for it. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. She is honest, truth focused, and compassionate to the throws that come with BPD. Please know that many people reading your comment are supporting you. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. Lisa can be manipulative, [exhibits] black and white thinking and self-harm. He is a very smart and wise boy beyond his years and I firmly believe I made a positive difference in his life. Why should I make an effort to trust a gender that is mostly untrustworthy? I looked after him during this time while the doctors assessed her. I just saw this reply. And, of course, shes repeatedly described by herself and everyone around her asthat term more associated with the MPDG than perhaps any other: impulsive., The impulsivity and substance abuse problems Clem exhibits as wellher emotional intensity and idealization/devaluation of Joel could perhaps indicate a struggle with BPD. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. I keep testing him to see if he really cares. You might be able to stop the abuse by giving her doses of her own medicine, so she will think twice before doing it. I am not a therapist and am in the process of winding down my teaching schedule with individuals. The methods I teach give you language that allows an angry person to say what they need to but focuses them in a way that is not hurtful to the other person. This will give you good perspective, you may be right, he may be right, or maybe its a mixing bowl of issues. I am only speaking for myself, that the day I realized this was bigger than me, my whole world crashed. This can give you a firsthand understanding of what causes these behaviors. Jasmine: You have no idea who I am. More likely these changes are due to instability in Jasmines view of the relationship. Anyways I am uncertain what to do with my nonbiological son with her. Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection. I would stop eating to become thinner and more attractive. Some would also argue that the word crazy is stigmatising in describing a person. You see, I understand the way I think and the fears I have. And we have feelings just like anyone else and are all equally deserving of love. 1,2. So yes, most women with traits of BPD do have an underlying belief or fear that they are unloveable. So what have you done? You have been an incredible help. For this reason it can be very healing to read the stories of other men who have broken up with women who have these traits. Yes, we feel, and we feel deeply. 6-years-ago my 13-year marriage to a personal with BPD-traits ended. Although it is very unfortunate that women no longer seem to appreciate nice-guy qualities, the inability to override the instinctual urge to degrade those who dont conform has proven to be more damaging than the female instinct to value narcissistic types over nice guys. Welcome to Me is a 2014 comedy-drama that follows Alice Klieg (Kristen Wiig), a woman diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who wins the lottery and uses the funds to create a talk show about herself. Personally im kind of surprised that no one commented about being a bit offended by this article. JT, in idealization stage things will occur to them to say that seem to fit how they are feeling. when you know its only going to get worse, more irrational and the warmth of the idealization phase is pretty much gone, lol. Please help!! I first met her at work about 6 years ago. We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didnt do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out My best advice for anyone who is worried about ending up in another of these relationships is to learn how stop defensive behaviors of all kinds. Ive acted out with my therapist too many times to count by leaving and coming back. Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, An Addiction Myth That Needs to Be Revisited, 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. I am also a nice guy that normally puts other before myself but she takes my best qualities and stretches them beyond their limits. She has shown moments of improvement, but she will still switch to demonizing me at the drop of a hat. Everything was over text too. Im very confused at how hopeful I should be about the future and my prospects for ever finding (normal) romantic love and a stable relationship. It gives instant relief to the upset person and opens communication channels. The woman with BPD (borderline personality disorder) wakes up and is sad to the bone, just like the day before.She is alive, only a different kind of alive. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Previous research had been equivocal with regards to whether women are attracted to bad boys, and the findings from this study suggest they are not, at least in comparison to men who are less discerning. However, their lack of experience and skill at regulating their emotions leaves them unable to control their negative impulses. Brett: What do want me to do? Mostly Susannas thought patterns and mood showed BPD well, but it was subtle. The central conflict arises from the existence of a procedure that can erase memories a procedure Clementine undergoes to forget about Joel. This ability holds a special attraction for women with traits of BPD. And that is in no way forgivable. My wife and I have been going to marriage counseling for a year now. The latest psychology and neuroscience discoveries. You are on the road to recovery, and this may take a long time, but your spouse has the option right now of stopping the behaviors that he finds painful to him. Thanks, again, for offering a measured, thoughtful perspective. For my own part, Ive worked very hard over the past 20 years to develop my own skills and self awareness, so I think I have a pretty good idea of what traits are important for me in a partner so that we can support, learn from, and grow with each other rather than reduce and denigrate. I cannot believe it. Ive found that BPD emotions run extremely high, this is not a con game as you say, but a genuine attempt for you to find someone compatible, but like with me being the easy going guy whos a little peculiar I look for someone who initially seems to share my oddities or at least not fit into the mainstream norm. In fact, a lot more than what we had recognized previous to the time we stumbled on your amazing blog. Nicola, sorry if I this is not the main topic of your blog, I just wanted to say this for *young nice guys* that have trouble lying to get laid: derive your self-worth and self-respect from yourself only, do not use flirting and the modern woman (and any kind of external validation whatsoever) to feel better or prideful, this must be a daily and inner working. history of childhood trauma (e.g., physical or sexual abuse, neglect, early parental loss) is more common for individuals with BPD. Do you know how difficult it is to find treatment? Although your closeness to her is triggering her fears and sensitivities, your ability to trigger her also means that you are capable of helping her get over the fears that are causing her to lash out. 10 years married, one seven year old son. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! Women are not taught to treat men with respect. Thank you Joanna for sharing your great insight into a disorder that is very confusing to so many men. Well, her version of that is to feel she cant handle life and she hates you! She is not manipulating. hi Ive read a lot lately about women with BPD. In anyway ! Brett did not hear this message. She told me few things about herself that she has been with many many guys before and she all called them abusers, and narcissists etc. During a moment of clarity she said to me I am such a basket case, I dont know how you put up with me Its like she just cant help it. Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. Tells everyone Im the one and yet just ends it and not seen her since!! The best thing for him to do is to find a therapist who is familiar with BPD who will help guide him through this minefield. In my experience as a good guy (not nice guy as I have NO problem calling out maddening behaviour lol) BPD woman are simply increasing NO- WIN propositions. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Conversations with Jay & Rose: Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor (Prov 29:23), Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. Once they leave home, so can I. We dated for 3 years then she left me right out of the blue and cut me off. She then accused me cus its all my fault, and we didnt go at all. I also see a therapist to handle parenting challenges that we have esp for my ADHD son. I eventually couldnt deny that she indeed has many, many traits of BPD. [Subscribe to PsyPost on YouTube to stay up-to-date on the latest developments in psychology and neuroscience]. It is the flashbacks of the negative experiences that can get in the way of them rebounding with their ex even when their emotions are overriding their fear. Could never plan things with me or struggles. Many men are in your situation, and it is truly surprising how many women engage in this kind of behavior. She has never apologized to us after her outbursts but as long as she is respectful we dont require an apology. In line with previous research, Blanchard and her colleagues found that personality traits and wealth status were the most important factors in predicting dating appeal among female participants. Baylie) by Bold Beautiful Borderline instantly on your tablet, phone or browser - no downloads needed. She demanded to have always milk left for her in the fridge. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! The study has been published online in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. My fears go so far that, as Ive mentioned, Ive decided to avoid anything resembling or related to marriage. While the movie is humanizing in many respects,some have argued that it goes too far, romanticizing mental illness and equatingit with being cool but misunderstood. In apost on The Radical Notion, a clinical social worker wrote. During this time I was forced to have her admitted again as she was aiming to attempt suicide again. things like that which were very frustrating for me. I have one question for you though that I just cant seem to find an answer for online. Well mine was an elite level manipulator but never enough to cause the kind of problems a few of you writing have had (even so Ive had a lot of re-reading to do to firm up my previous resolve, lol). While most dont believe it gets BPD right at all, some can relate to certain aspects of Alexs condition. I have been in relationships with 3 if not more people I would classify as BPD based on being just really smart, only one was diagnosed, however only one went to therapy. Once when we were in Spain we planned to go out two of us and her brother , i wanted to go and see a night life and they couldnt decide both off them as she was arguing with her brother etc. Though Lizzie has depression,some suggest she exhibits traits of BPD as well. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Wow Extremely well writtenIt feels like you saw my life and wrote thisSo completely aptA few question thoughMy ex dumped me some 7 months agoAnd the ditching was completely out of the blue on a phone call while I was out of station. Having said this though she has completely ruined me as a person and i would love to understand how one minute i was everything and now im her worst enemy and the cause of all her problems, really struggling to cope and its more sad to think after all thw torture i (Oh you not being very loving ) really I said not a nice feeling is it !! Can this work? Thats what a women with BPD needs so stop making us feel like we arent worthy of love because we are just as worthy as you and this ridiculous article along with these truly pathetic and non-factual comments are part of the reason this mental health illness exists. As anyone would say, it was like walking on eggshells. We would sit at the park and he would tell me stories and we would play funny little games and laugh. They lack the trust of even their closest loved ones and will often choose to separate from those trying to help them over facing the truth about their behavior. So, should a nice guy such as me give up on such a relationship or should I learn these techniques really well and not worry about avoiding BPD partners too much? However, neither the pain a woman with BPD experiences in her everyday life nor her behaviors with other people will improve unless she gets help for herself. And yes I have a problem with emotional regulation and emotional intensity HOWEVER bpd DOES NOT guarantee that every relationship is doomed to failure or that people with bpd are all abusive, selfish, unreliable, hypocritical, or untrustworthy. He feels that I dont respect him. I sincerely doubt you have it or you undoubtedly would be speaking in more sypathetic terms. My wife did not ask to have this, and it has impacted much of her life negatively, not just in our marriage. But it also saddens me a bit and scares me as well. The people who get stuck on woe is me, my partner the crazy BPD are truly the ones who will never change and take accountability for their own actions. The actual requests in question, such as that particular pair of shoes or the milk were not relevant. Also, it saddens me to observe that the average western woman turns her back to nice guys so she can sleep around with bad and narcissistic guys in her teens and early twenties. Rethink Mental Illness on LinkedIn: Borderline Personality Disorder aka I used to compliment her ,she never fully believed it. I showed nothing but empathy, patience, and support for my ex and she still left meover a text message after telling me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. There are reasons why I stayed which I will not mention to keep this private. You can use them during calm times: Thank you for helping with the kids. Is that the measure of a man?? I think the picture painted here of the relationship between people with BPD and their partners is an accurate one. There were many strange occasions where I felt she wants to control every aspect of my life like clothing, seeing my family, always wanted to pick me up from my work or meet up after work so we could go home together, despite we lived together at that time. She is unapproachable really. She has since defriended several other girlfriends in our social circle because they continue to talk to me. I was suggested this website by my cousin. I am presently reading Loving someone with BPD and I have read Walking on Eggshells. Wreck-It Ralph sets out to shed his villain status and fulfill his dream of being the game hero, but instead ends up wreaking havoc on the arcade. This girl definitely was a complete con artist and extremely selfish I figured about her mental instability within a couple months into the relationship and even tried to leave as I doubted at that time that she could anytime assault me, but the con artist that she was, she never let me go( she would huh me and cry like hell) And she had this unrelenting quench to get her things done by meAll hell used to break loose when I failed to do somethingThe relationship lasted for an year and a half during which time I never had time really to figure out what exactly her problem wasAfter the break up I felt soo devastated and almost convinced that she just used me as I never saw any remorse in her faceI felt really betrayed and became vengeful but I was controlled by my friends around me There after I started researching online to make sense of what happenedThat is when I came across BPD which completely explained every behaviour of hersShe had a divorce and a broken relationship before meAnd her ex bf once happened to call me after my breakup misinterpreting my number as hers. She feels comfortable in chaos and dysfunction yet craves love and affection but at the same time pushes it away. Fatal Attraction depicts what its like to fall in love while suffering with BPD. In order to work with a couple where the wife has BPD, she would need to be approached non-confrontationally, and the therapist would need to know how to move her from a dysregulated state into emotional regulation within the session.