No reason to pass that one along to future generations, Rachelgrace53 Unless youve been there, you dont know. Well, maybe not your life, but your happiness and security do depend on it. I could maybe understand if he was 19 and didnt know what to do. female Year 1970. reader, confused.i.is+, writes (25 January 2008): All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft. You know, if he was tricked its not surprising that he would say these things. Apparently, the belief is that no one should ever have sex unless they intend to have a child with the person and are sure that it is a good idea. For sure, the guy can't worry about the other gent. Sex makes babies and every time you have sex you run the risk of making a baby. Which brings me to my question for LW: You say your boyfriend is 40 years old, but how old are YOU? April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark Not sure what it is now, but when I studied it in college the chance was about 1 in 10 (if you had unprotected sex with a known infected person). He knows how to make a baby, and he knows how to avoid making a baby. You can get pregnant on birth control! BGM- multiple people disagreeing with you is not necessarily a sign of needless solidarity that makes you sound paranoid. Its because of biology, and a legal system that puts the interests of the child above the interests of the parent. Unwanted or not, they are innocent in this whole mess that your boyfriend and his whatever-she-is created. Doesnt interest me. She barely knows her new boyfriend, yet she's already pregnant with the guy's baby and is forced to plan a future with him. So, then, women should always have to accept that theyre pregnant because they had sex and then have the child whether they want to or not? So your boyfriend said he wants nothing to do with his own child (except the required child support) and that didnt make you run screaming the other way? Any complications from the abortion would be hers to bear, not his. He should have taken more precautions. But everything youve written here about the pregnancy and the well being of the child has made me look at things with fresh eyes. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. A woman who is raped is stuck with the agonizing choice of getting an abortion, or carrying a child to term. When I was young, but old enough to ask, my mom always told me that my biological father just wasnt ready to be a daddy. He doesnt want anything to do with her? lets_be_honest In a perfect, totally fair world, both men and women would get stuck with pregnancy and rearing of children because they both equally engage in the sex that results in the pregnancy. Which is funny, since weve been telling right wingers that all along. landygirl April 10, 2012, 6:58 pm. Oh, me too! Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. REALLY? I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. April 10, 2012, 6:08 pm. No. Your argument that consenting adults should never have sex unless theyre prepared to become parents neglects the fact that not only do we have the means to significantly reduce the risk of pregnancy, we have extremely safe ways of terminating pregnancies, especially very early on. Lets wait to have sex until we have a bigger place. There is a chance it isnt his. Its not that bad (though Ill take an IUDs 0.6%, thanks). Im guessing that shes in the UK or Ireland, or perhaps New England. How the heck do you administer THAT?! This letter is written by someone who wasnt even involved in the conception of the child, so I dont believe there can be an objective reading of the circumstances. Ok.you were on a breakhe met some women club and after 2 minutes decided to have sex with her (which people do Im not against a 1 night stand).but he doesnt throw a condom on because shes on the pill (so hes not protected from STDs and he has no verification shes actually using the pill responsibly)..and if that level of irresponsibility isnt enough, he ahem finishes the job inside of her! FYI first time posting but long time reader. Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. Ill have mine draw up the paperwork for licensing fees. Well, they dont entirely disregard fairness to the mother and/or father, but the childs interests take precedent. You know, I dont have much patience this morning, so I (somewhat) apologize if my reply reeks of snark.. But shes having his baby and whether he likes her, loves her, or hates her, that baby is his child. SweetsAndBeats How long his new relationship has lasted. You do know that birth control isnt 100% effective, right? Im a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well. And I would believe him that he has no interest in her other than convenience. So, let it be over. However, my point isnt that children should not be supported. Men abandon and fail to pay for children constantly. Your FAMILY can be the most important thing in your life not just your children. LW, why in the hell would you want to get with this guy right now? First, abandoned is a bit misleading, since (a) we dont know that theyd broken up before or after she discovered she was pregnant and (b) hes agreed to pay for the child. And with that said, he should confirm the woman is indeed pregnant and get a paternity test when the child is born. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. April 9, 2012, 4:23 pm. ! Just sayin. Take this as a lesson learned. . As others have said, arguably this is more denial and shock than actual fury. Reviewing this the next day, Im even less convinced that the letter is real Id be happy for signs otherwise but assuming it is, thats good advice. Consider the consequences or dont. Leaving the issues of the suggested abortion and unprotected sex aside (which have also been beaten over the head on this thread), that was what really struck me as I was looking through these comments. We should use it more often. Man is in quotes becuase no man abandons a woman that he impregnates. You want to be a slave to a prick like him? ! And then of course Ross WE WERE ON A BREAK meltdown. April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. But it is a result of a legal system that prioritizes the needs of children over fairness to the parents. Step away slowly. Its when I disagree that I usually feel I want to write a comment. SweetsAndBeats Freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. Abstinence is 100% effective, just saying. Maybe because she wants a tie to the LWs boyfriend. Sounds like its coming out of the starting blocks with two strikes against it in the gene pool department. April 9, 2012, 3:33 pm, bittergaymark Lots of it. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? April 9, 2012, 6:35 pm, Not highly infectious, huh? I never grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my biological father wasnt ready or willing to be a father to me. iseeshiny My heart broke into a million pieces. For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! I was devastated. This asshole is not the answer. And throwing money at her only covers one part of that. There is a massive difference between wanting a pregnancy to be terminated and deciding to have nothing to do with a child who has been born. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Dr. Sherry. It doesnt even come close. No. The only ones who dont are the ones who dont ask for it and/or whom the court deems is unable or unfit to. And WHY did he not practice safe sex since he only knew her 2 minutes? I just think its extremely scumbag-ish to want nothing to do with your child, no matter how it was conceived. What the LW needs to do is take a deep breath, wait a long time for this situation to resolve, and then decide what she wants to do. But, you couldnt let him go. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. They can either hope the woman opts to not keep the baby, or they pay. Termination of Parental rights does NOT absolve you from paying Child Support in the United States of America. And hes a bigger idiot if he doesnt think hes responsible for whats happening to him now. Do you have any other questions? Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. all the time i thought so until 1 faithful day, i got pregnant. You dont really get a say in this matter. So while support is gender-blind, the points that get you to the question of support arent, which kind of means support isnt either. He found someone relatively fast and quick, and jumped in the bed with her. 8 Red Flags that Her Pregnancy is a Trap. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. wendy, i love you for leaving the crazies to us! April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. Just sayin. So, in other words, men should only have oral sex no, wait, not even that, because the STD risk remains but that women can have all the se they want, because they have the option of aborting a resulting pregnancy? bittergaymark To be fair, the pregnant woman could be an idiot too but the only info we have about her is that she participated in sex with the LWs bf after knowing him a short time, says she was on birth control and is now pregnant and planning to raise the child. However, a man should have no such option and should be forced to pay (literally and figuratively) for having sex. Having the right to do something OBVIOUSLY doesnt mean its always a good idea. Why would you disregard opinions that are based on the data thats actually there, and then defend yours which is based on a guess you made about people you dont know? Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. BC. You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? I agree people who are dysfunctional should not stay together for the sake of the kid it will just make things worse. Why do you think that is? First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. female I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. But because I am perfectly fine with pregnancy being a strict liability issue. Why You MUST Let Him Come To You After A Break Up It is time to take a hard honest look at yourself and why you really want to be in a relationship with a man that wants to be with someone else. Please help. April 9, 2012, 1:13 pm. There are any number of cases where under-age males, 12 years old, 14 years old, 16 years old, get hit for child support because the female teacher who statutorily RAPED them got pregnant. Any advice for me?Signed, AnonymousDear Sis,News Flash: This man is not and has never been your man. She should have either used additional contraception or not engaged with sex with a man who wasnt actively pursuing fatherhood, because now shes fucking with 2 other peoples lives who do not have an active role in the decision-making process. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? iseeshiny But I answer younger peopleI even have made some comments on Teen Rant. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. I do think he has a legal and monetary one, which he has stepped up to. April 10, 2012, 7:01 pm. haha I agree. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. Its a difficult question. The guy has not opted out of a childs life. Good times. He chose to roll the dice and take his chances with intercourse. If I polled my high school, and under Forms of Contraception I included Pulling Out, Im estimating (based on the number of children at my last reunion) that would be about 70% of respondents methods. My Wife Had Fun With My Best Friend And Destroyed Our Son's Future Only the fools. Email usyour questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include Ask Dr. Sherry in the subject line. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. Just shut up and pay the bills, right? female He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. He didnt marry you. For someone who cant stand a woman and does not want to have a child you think he would make slightly more responsibly decisions. I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. I'm still contemplating because if my boyfriend finds out, I'm afraid he'll leave me. He CHOSE to do that he took that risk because it feels better on his penis without a condom. Change the subject and attack is not debate and makes you look pathetic. Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. Child support, such as it is, is frequently used as stealth spousal support. Well technically for me it was the way he reacted to his potential child and nothing about the way he treated the LW or the woman in the letter. But I just don't know anymore. But its her body Well, department of labor clearly shows that statistically a man in a low-paying job is far more likely to die in a workplace accident over the course of 18 years than a woman over a normal pregnancy. He seems to be playing into a lot of her fantasies, plus providing a ready excuse why hell never have any money. so many unwanted and unplanned pregnancies could be prevented if people just showed more interested and care in using birth control. My mother taught me better than that. He might very well be an immature asshole. If her fiance adopted the child, then he is the legal father and she would go after him for Child Support. I know Im stretching here, but Your 40-year-old ex-boyfriend sounds like an immature, irresponsible, whiney person. Not long-winded just a breath of fresh air and reason after the insanity in that letter. We all know breakups are painful. Itll take work and patience, but he CAN be a father to the baby, and a partner to you.. Deal with it, ladies. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. Comparing your own experience to other people's. If you and your partner don't feel like you're getting the love you deserve, one of you could cheat. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. . If they do, he is obligated to support the child. April 10, 2012, 5:30 pm. But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. He says he wants me, but Im afraid if she keeps trying to get back with him she will succeed one day. April 11, 2012, 2:00 am, John Rohan You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. If the baby mama wants to keep the baby, its her decision. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? Heres the fact: LW, you dont get a say in what this woman does, and neither does your boyfriend. Oh yeah, because plenty of men already have no problem abandoning AND not paying. If you dont want a kid with a stranger then PULL OUT!!! But, yet, again you let him back and hoped things would change and he would be with you. No. are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? Ive heard of stuff like this from friends of mine, where theyve been in relationships and their BF finds out his ex got pregnant and blah blah blah so take it as you will, I guess. I agree with all of this. April 9, 2012, 5:52 pm, Sounds to me like your sister isnt so much unlucky, but a liar. And, again, this is common except with those inflicted with social disorders who cant seem to not say exactly what theyre thinking. A month after we broke up, she started a new guy. T he mystery of Tom's sudden baby endured until several years ago when I looked him up on Facebook. April 10, 2012, 7:22 pm. What a door mat you are! Therefore, why are you depressed? Some people are correct that the LWs anger is displaced. Male rape victims notwithstanding, men control where their sperm goes. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Again, youre defending this guys right to have sex and that is absurd to me. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. I dont know. April 10, 2012, 10:41 am. Do you have a law to fix that? We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. April 9, 2012, 3:49 pm. Well get our hands off your uterus when you get your hands off our wallets. There was a single picture of my ex-boyfriend, his then-girlfriend, and their first child. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Bless This Mess. lets_be_honest We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) Whoever is saying otherwise is simply wrong. Maam, he didnt waste any time moving on from you. But, now hes faced with the unwanted consequences of that choice, and while its unfortunate, its how life works. (yes, I know, lifes unfair). All Im advocating is the addition of a requirement that the woman has made a good-faith effort to contact the father-to-be once she found out that she was pregnant and that he didnt opt out of support. female Weird question. Really, people. You add nothing to the conversation but name-calling. Is it fair that in cases where neither the man nor the woman wants to continue a pregnancy, only the woman has to undergo a medical proceedure (or even when they want to carry to term for that matter)? They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. Again, no. April 9, 2012, 10:04 pm. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. Made my day! I dont know whats causing all this rancor, RR, but its surely not just the letter. We learned that in middle school. You said it better, but I jumped back in before seeing your replies. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. Well he will still have to pay child support. April 10, 2012, 9:06 pm. slept with someone else. Another thing that happened in my friends case is that at the same time that they signed things to waive his parental rights, the mother had the child adopted by her fiance and then her fiances name was put on the birth certificate from the get go (though, this was all done behind my friends back and that part was done without his consent, nor was even discussed). However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). His ex had gone through a lot of internal as well as external strugglesand became stronger and wiser. After dating him for about 3 months, she got pregnant with his baby. LOL What? His character and judgment are awful. On the other hand, the intelligent men are just avoiding commitment and having fun at YOUR expense. By the way, there was no implication that it makes it easy for the woman to get child support. Seriously this is skeeving me out. And, like an immature asshole, he decides he doesnt want to own up to his responsibility. Would be nice if they could because there were many nights when I was pregnant where my husband could have had our babies lay on his bladder instead of mine. No, thats the kids money. She isnt the one you should be taking issue with. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? I think what you are trying to explain are the two types of custodyover the person and over decision making for the person. I dont think anyones saying that. I meant post living with HIV that as a correction in that I left the with HIV out of my previous post. If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? and now he must deal with those consequences. Oh, and im missing the misogyny in that child support comment. Hes decided on what hes going to do, and it does not involve you. The carpenter asks his brother to impregnate his wife via IVF using the carpenters sperm. April 9, 2012, 1:23 pm. April 11, 2012, 11:50 am. If you know you absolutely dont want kids, do everything you can to prevent them.
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