Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. How does NASA organise a party? Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. short for? A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. After a few moments, Bill says, Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we dont have all night. Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. A man tells his doctor, Help me. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. A nervous wreck. Weinstein. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. My ex had one very annoying habit. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Smartass quotes. 14. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Student: A drinking problem. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier All rights reserved. Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} The son comes home in the afternoon. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. Think about it, the professor answered. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Im in your driveway., 47. Submitted by Terry Sangster. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Breathe! Whats a Queen without her King? Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Making this distinction can help us make amends. 79. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. What did the baby corn say to its mom? So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. All rights reserved. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Ten what? Diddly-squats. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Never again. Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin, My sunglasses are prescription so if theyre stolen, it becomes two people who cant see. @kimtopher22, What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? Its torturous. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I cant stand this. I steal food from humans. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? That evening, he decides to go out. Can I join you? Why, am I falling apart? I replied. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. It can reflect how well you know your partner. A blind man visits Texas. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids What other woman? Adam shot back. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. You Couldn't Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions - Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug . What does a nosy pepper do? All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. So now I got me a wooden peg., When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. 12 / 102. You dont want to be that person who could literally write a book about what you wish you would have said. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. A football coach. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! There you have it. Tempting fate, I tried it on. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. Five, six, maybe seven times. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. Whats it called? Im not very good at advice. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. Just received a card full of rice. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. But doesnt that suit fit great?. Its easy, replies the ranger. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Spell elephant,' the older one said. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. The apprentice did just as he was told. She seemed surprised. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. Is someone being a total dick and youre at a loss for what to say? He was just going through a stage. I found them. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. He bit himself. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! He must pay for his mistake. ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! My New Years resolution is to get in shape. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. "Can't You Take a Joke?": What to Do When Teasing Hurts Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. ", "If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Then, it hit me. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1.